i went premium and i'm suddenly craving validation
I've been writing online since I was 16, I think. First it was on Facebook (I know, embarrassing, we all do embarrassing stuff at 16, some people do drugs, I wrote poetry on Facebook and now I despise both my poetry and Facebook, growth.), then I moved to Tumblr where having 20k followers meant absolutely nothing except feeling a medium fish in the most overlooked pond. Then the biggest tragedy of my life happened, Tumblr became a sellout, so everyone started moving to Instagram (not the sharpest tools in the shed, huh). That was the last straw for me — I hated being glued to Instagram all those hours, I was mourning Tumblr's departure; and worst of all I realized how dependent I was on vanity metrics for validation. I was basing my worth as a writer on the amount of likes/comments I was receiving and I was constantly picking apart every letter I wrote to figure out the secret recipe to going viral. So clearly, I needed to touch some grass. Like a modern day Amish lady, I began using a journal and I'm proud to say that I've been using one on-and-off for about four years now. Of course, writing on paper came with its own struggles. Like for example, wanting to write a full page just for the aesthetics or making sure that the ink doesn't smudge the pages or wanting to write in bed without completely murdering my calligraphy. On top of that, there was always a little voice in the back of my head that was begging me to go back to sharing my musings online, and here comes social media n.4, Substack. Well, that did not last long, because on top of my craving for attention, I also lack consistency and I felt like I was putting myself too out there. You can never win with my brain, huh? Finally, I found Bearblog, a land far away from mass media and algorithms, a place where — on the free version — no one could actually discover you unless they had your direct link. That was my in, I could go back to writing online without being too much of a perfectionist and I was not actively sharing it with the world. That lasted, I think a week, before I started engaging with all the wonderful creators out there who were brave enough to share their truths unapologetically and I wanted to join. So I grabbed my debit card, punched in my details and ta-da, I was back in the world. Plus, Bearblog Pro gives you a bunch of extra neat features and I wanted my space to look extra cool. I know I said I didn't want to be too much of a perfectionist, shut up. Bear doesn't have a follow button, a notifications section, or allows you to write comments, even so I find myself reaching my phone looking for something. Maybe if I look long enough, I will find the secret section that will tell me that I'm the best writer that ever existed and the Internet cannot survive without me. One thing is for sure, giving up writing is not an option, so eventually I will have to find a way to accommodate both my insecurities and my narcissism.